(This is a joke post for April fools)

Welcome to E.V.I.L (effective villains impact ltd), where we are focused on becoming even more lethal, unfair and harmful!

Some norms for your induction:

• If you stumble across something potentially dangerous, PUBLISH IT. Bonus points if you publish the genome or code for a dangerous pathogen. Triple points if you SEO optimise it with tags such as 'lol, how deadly!'
• Shout at people to make them more effective with phrases such as 'you're not doing enough!' and 'you made another mistake! you're a bad moral agent'- this will help incentivise them to improve in their ways
• Also consider cutting sleep, drinking 300 cups of coffee and putting food into IV bags to reduce your non productive hours
• Ignore your P value, even if you sample size is 2, just publish it with a catchy headline. Bonus points if you write nothing in your conflicts of interest disclosure.
• PUBLISH EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Just get into journals, even if you have to pay. Use a paper mill. Use AI. Who cares if it's accurate? We need money!
• The ends justify the means- maybe set up a new crypto? And who cares if you synthesise smallpox accidentally, we really need to test out our theory
• Just leave deadly pathogens lying around, if Fleming could find penicillin, maybe your open vial of polio will find a cure too!
• If your data seems bad, just ignore any points that don't align with your conclusion- bam, instant statistical significance!

Company policy to get-rich-quick in 3 easy steps!

• Buy stakes in a coffin company, disparage vaccines, and watch the money roll in
• Buy stakes in a life insurance bail out, disparage modern medicine, get rich
• start a podcast, call yourself a holistic chirpractic naturalist homeopathic expert, sell supplements and detox courses, get rich

If you're really stuck

• tell people you solved aging but just need 3 trillion dollars to make the cure
• tell them you can't elaborate or else (insert enemy country here) will steal your idea
• wear a black tshirt
• give a TED talk- bonus points if you use 'titan' and 'disruptor' and 'silicon valley' in your description
• pose in a black and white photo
• get rich

If your crimes get discovered:

• no, they didn't
• you're rich so obviously they were wrong
• just in case, slip some money to the judge
• and just in case, maybe show off your brand new supply of deadly H5 specimens
• or release H1 infected rats into the courtroom

And remember, you don't make mistakes. If you did, don't admit it. Never change your mind. Never say sorry. 

Company director:

• The HHS RFK Jr (current CEO)
  • Currently working on 'making Americans dead again' and managed to get to over double the annual count of measles in the US in just 2 months!
  • MVP was when he promoted Vitamin A as a measles cure and then people died of vitamin A overdose.... really helping our coffin sales
  • And who could forget firing the Infectious Disease and HIV department, banning words such as 'transgenic' or 'pregnant people' and stopping trials into women's health and over 1000 'woke' words
  • Also managed to spin a tragic medical error in 2019 Samoa to disparage measles vaccines leading to over 5700 infections and over 83 deaths with 90% in children under 5

Other important workers:

• Sam Bankman Fried- accountant
• Elizabeth Holmes- chief science officer
• Andrew Wakefield- head of scientific integrity
• Hwang Woo-suk- chief ethics officer