Hello EA Forum friends,

I’m writing today with a simple, heartfelt message:

Do not hire me. Ever. I’m completely incontinent.

Please. For the good of the world and all that we hold dear. 

Now, you might be thinking, ‘But wait! You’ve worked in fundraising strategy, built relationships with major donors, helped secure 5-6 figs with care and style. Surely you’re being modest!’

No. I’m being odious. 

Let me walk you through a few career highlights.

1. I tried to build a Funder CRM in Airtable and accidentally sent everyone a Valentine’s Day card

It was meant to be a sleek system for tracking funder engagement. What I built was a sentient database that, due to one rogue automation, emailed all of our HNW donors a glitter GIF and the message ‘you make my heart do a cost-benefit analysis.’

One replied, ‘Unsubscribe’.

Another replied, ‘Is this a metaphor for impact?’

Neither funded us ever again.

2. I once scheduled a donor meeting during their wedding

Yes. I sent the invite, followed up twice, and then called to ask why they weren’t on Zoom. They were walking down the aisle. To be fair, I did log the non-response in Salesforce, but never followed up.

3. I thought 'funder alignment' meant matching outfits

At a major retreat, I coordinated color-coded funder-grantee ‘synergy wardrobes’ to signal strategic coherence. My logic: if we both wear navy, we must agree on moral uncertainty.

6. I told Open Phil their Theory of Change gave me a migraine

Out loud. In front of the entire team. I followed it up with ‘but in a good way?’ It turns out that migraines are never good. 

My team asked if I was okay.

I said “existentially, no.”
 

…

Anyway, I just wanted to put this out there in the spirit of transparency, epistemic humility, and full disclosure.

Please do not hire me. Unless you are looking for:

• Strategic confusion,
• Chronic navel-gazing, and
• Someone to occupy your last office beanbag whilst saying the phrase ‘I don’t have capacity for that right now’ at least twice a day.

... OR unless this post gets me hired. In which case, please disregard everything above and contact me for references.

Formerly ‘Head of Something Important’, now Director of Whoopsies and Regret.

PS Why are there astronaut bees flying out of my cursor? Pff, just my luck I suppose.