Epistemic Status: Joke

In a stunning display of “impact,” the Center for Effective Altruism (CEA) has announced that the best way to save the world is apparently to funnel grassroots funding into their Early Organizer Support Program (EOSP)—a series of exclusive retreats where organizers from elite schools discuss poverty reduction over $12 lattes and hummus fountains.

Meanwhile, the Organizer Support Program (OSP)—the one for normal, non-elite, commoner peasants—remains funded at approximately the price of a used stapler. “We’re proud to support our grassroots,” said one CEA organizer, sipping Huel. “They just need to understand that some people are more counterfactual than others.”

CEA’s financial model is simple:

Step 1: Announce that elite universities produce more “impact.”

Step 2: Completely ignore the fact that these schools can’t even get five freshmen to show up to their meetings.

Step 3: Pour money into EOSP so the insiders can fly to another resort to “strategize” over the ethics of bottomless falafel.

Critics point out that CEA also uses a “cost-of-living adjustment,” which sounds boring until you realize it’s code for: if you’re not in a big coastal city, you’re automatically worth less. As one rural organizer explained, “They said I should be grateful for my $200 of funding, because in Indiana that’s like being Jeff Bezos.”

The final insult? CEA is killing principles first. Essentially: shut up, stop thinking, and watch us shovel even more money into AI safety groups that already have enough funding to build an actual Death Star. Asked for comment, one EOSP alum replied, “Counterfactuality, bro,” before vanishing into a limousine powered entirely by donor dollars.

At press time, OSP organizers were reportedly holding meetings in the back of a Taco Bell, while EOSP participants were flown business-class to a meditation retreat where they practiced the art of “impactful plant-based shrimp tasting”. 

SAD!